Thank you Oldblueaccord. Turns out I only had the "Supplement" PDFs which did not contain the full information, but Snooze's signature had the full manuals in them.
The area I highlighted in yellow is where I suspect the problem to be. The two under-hood fuses in the upper-right both work fine, as does one of the door jamb switches (front-passenger). Everything else that does not work I circled in red. The safety indicator also does not show when any of the doors/trunk are ajar, I forgot to mark that. Now I still have to actually find where in the car these wires all meet.
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